The Challenge: Embracing Change

Each fall I set aside time to consider how my life is going and whether or not I’ve veered away from how I want to live. I forge my goals for the coming months. One of those goals is always “embrace change.” Ha! Like saying it makes it happen.

For some reason, most of us fear change, fear that the effects will be negative: we’ll lose control over our lives (as if we ever had it); it won’t be fun; it’ll be too hard; it’ll be painful. Does impending change feel that way to you?

I try to tell myself that change can be positive as well as negative. I’ve experienced hundreds of changes in my life and survived them all. Sure I have a few scars, a broken heart or two, and some disappointments, but I also stumbled on unimaginable joy, a measure of career success, and some deep friendships I wouldn’t have wanted to miss.

Why struggle against the inevitable? The world is in flux, the earth spins constantly on its axis, everything and everyone around us is bouncing like pinballs off ever-changing events. I know that one path to contentment is to expect changes, roadblocks, and challenges as the norm and to be confident in my ability to mount the next horse in the relay and ride on. Too bad that last nag just ran for the barn!

We all want to feel secure and habits help us accomplish it. Doing things in a way long familiar and easy feels like the “best” way. We resist forces that make us question those beliefs. Perhaps we’ve been successful in life, love, and work by sticking to a certain style, but maybe circumstances have changed and we are limiting our personal growth by not changing with them. Beating my head against that wall over and over again never felt as good as when I figured out how to climb over it instead.

All through my twenties and into my thirties, I had an outsized idea about fairness and a trigger temper if I felt challenged or criticized unfairly. Growing up, anger rather than passivity made people think twice before hurting me. As an adult, I continued to respond with rage if I didn’t like a situation. I put on my metaphoric boxing gloves and stepped into the ring. People are afraid of anger and I mistakenly continued to think it was a good tool for protecting myself. It wasn’t until my mid-thirties that it dawned on me that there might be better ways to deal with conflict.

Through the years I have found new ways of communicating, ways to cooperate or collaborate so that all parties can feel valued in the results. I found role models I could learn from, people who were compassionate, who knew how to listen, who taught me that you don’t always have to walk away—sometimes working for change within the situation is a better solution. Sometimes I still walk away, but I don’t try to deliver a knockout punch before I go.

I’ve seen that nothing stays the same—it would be stifling if it did. Who wants to live Bill Murray’s Ground Hog’s Day over and over again? Change gives us an opportunity to discover new perspectives, new skills, exciting new interests, and to build strength for those changes that would otherwise be too hard to bear.

We are all so fragile in this world, trying to be brave in the face of life’s uncertainties. Do you fear change or do you embrace it? Have you developed ways to push yourself forward when they happen, to catch a ride on that next horse and hope he’s a winner? I’d love to hear your thoughts. # # #