Dealing Successfully with Confrontation: Tips & Tools
There are a lot of angry people out there today.
Flamers, trolls, catfishers who roam social media looking for opportunities to argue, to insult, to mislead, and they often hide behind Internet anonymity to say what they’d never say otherwise. And then there are those face-to-face business and personal situations with people who have unreasonable demands and let differences spiral into unpleasant confrontation, tossing civility aside to descend into curses and threats.
A few years ago, I had the pleasure of working with international negotiator, author, and public speaker William Ury who believes in “solving” rather than confronting. I was one of the copyeditors for his book The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes. I learned a lot about how he has built his success in world-level mediations.
Most of us aren’t going to be dealing with conflict at those levels, but all of us deal with angry or difficult people from time to time and it’s important to have some tools on hand to manage those incidents more successfully.Here’s a few tips that will help you walk away feeling good about the outcome:
Online
When dealing with ugliness online, you don’t have many options. You can engage, confront, ask the commenter to rephrase more civilly, delete their remarks or block them from your site or account. My personal choice led to a policy on my blog of inviting everyone to participate—they didn’t have to agree with my point of view or that of another reader, but they did have to do it civilly. If not, clearly stated, their comments would be deleted and they would be blocked.
I don’t want to give time or space to the evil sayers on my social media accounts either. I don’t feel compelled to let everyone have their say. It’s my space and I moderate it. My space, my rules. I don’t mind if someone has a different view on something I write about, but if you attack or insult I will delete your comment and block you from further interaction.
If you engage with these disrupters, you invite a continuation of the behavior. You in effect say it is okay to continue on in that vein. I just don’t do it, but if you enjoy no-holds-barred exchanges, then go for it.
Face to Face
Although it can feel more threatening because of their physical presence, in some ways it is easier to deal with someone in person who is disgruntled or argumentative. You have a few more nonverbal tools at your disposal.
Body Language: Leaning In – When a conversation turns ugly, our posture can signal a desire to resolve the dispute amiably. Show receptivity and concern by leaning slightly toward them, arms relaxed, but be sure you respect their personal space, which for most is about 3 feet. Sometimes inviting the person to be seated can help to defuse a situation.
Eye Contact – Maintaining eye contact while you speak is important and shows an element of respect. If you are looking at other things as you speak—your phone, your calendar, around the room, or at others who are present—it signals indifference. Eye contact is even more important when the other person is speaking.
Be an Active Listener – When trouble is on the horizon, it is essential to listen closely, to maintain eye contact and a concerned facial expression. That nonverbal acknowledgement of the other person’s emotional state can have a calming effect—often a person just wants to be heard.
Stay Calm – Maintain a normal volume and speed of speech and be aware of your tone of voice. It’s easy to escalate hostility by yelling or “lecturing.” Keep in mind that what looks like anger can actually be anxiety. If you stay calm and show a genuine openness to arriving at a mutually agreeable solution, it can go a long way toward defusing an emotional incident, turning it into a win/win outcome.
AS WITH SO MUCH OF LIFE, ATTITUDE CAN MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE. William Ury quoted Winston Churchill in one of his books: “The pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; the optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” He went on to say, “I am an optimist. It does not seem much use being anything else.” When it comes to conflict resolution, I can’t say I’m always an optimist, but I try to optimistically employ tips like those above and hope for the best. After all, we can always use the delete key either literally or metaphorically!
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For those interested in more about William Ury and his philosophy, check out his inspirational TEDTalk.